And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know,
My weakness, I feel, I must finally show...
"Awake My Soul" Mumford and Sons.
This is such an amazing song! But I'm momentarily going to take these two lines out of context of the rest of the song and talk about myself.
Last night I had a very interesting conversation with Gratten about religion. Very fitting since it was Sunday. Obviously, being me, while telling him what I believe in I started crying. It wasn't bad at first though, I just got teary eyed. Then as the conversation went on I somehow started talking about families, specifically how I believe that families can be together forever when they are sealed in the temple. That's when I lost it! There was a constant waterfall of tears as I basically bore my testimony to my Christian boyfriend about how I believe that when we die I will be able to be with my family in the afterlife.
After I was done I actually looked over at him and saw that he was crying as well. That certainly threw me for a loop. I didn't hear him crying over my shuddering gasps and machine gun sobs between each word. I had no idea what to do when I saw him crying... I had never seen him cry before. I've seen him get teary eyed once before when he was telling me about how his dad cried after watching him graduate from High School, but this was in a completely different ball park. I didn't know what to say or do, so I just sat there looking bewildered while still sobbing. Then he said these words, "I can't give you what you want."
Okay, that is totally NOT what I was expecting him to say. I'm not even sure what I was expecting him to say but it definitely wasn't that. I didn't know what to say, at the time I wasn't even sure what he was referring to. Finally I got control of my voice and asked what he meant, but he couldn't answer me because he was still sobbing. I was shocked, confused, and worried so I just rubbed his back and held his head as he cried on. I don't think I realized how much I cared about him till this moment. I knew I liked him a lot, but watching him cry like that just hurt!
Eventually he was able to talk and he told me how much he was scared for our future. He told me that he was starting to invest a lot into our relationship and he didn't want to get hurt and left just because he wasn't Mormon. So what do I do? I close off to my emotions and ask him if I should just leave. Which made him cry harder. So then being my pushy self I asked him again and told him he needed to be completely honest with me. He still couldn't answer through his tears. So I waited, and eventually he said one word, "Yes."
I was crushed! I grabbed my keys and walked out sobbing. I got into my car and drove back to Eccles. Luckily I was able to control myself on the way home and I had stopped crying by the time I walked into my room so no one could tell that anything was wrong.
After a couple minutes I just became angry. So I left and walked aimlessly around my building trying to decide what to do. I came up with two possibilities. Call my mother and ask for her advice, which I'm sure would have been very helpful and made me feel a lot better. But I was so angry that I chose to go with my second possibility which was to call Gratten and give him a piece of my mind! I think I did this because I knew if I had called my mom she would have calmed me down and I wouldn't have been able to say all the mean things I wanted to say. I was hurt and wanted vindication.
So I called him, and he answered, and I couldn't say anything that I wanted to. I guess I just really like this kid a lot and I couldn't bear to say any of the hurtful things I had planned on saying because he's such a nice guy and he would NEVER do anything like that to me. So instead I just pathetically said "I'm sorry." And then he said, "I'm sorry too." And we both started crying again. So then I just told him I was coming back over and he said okay.
When I got back things somehow magically fixed themselves. We talked about how we'd just figure things out as they happened and then joked about how pathetic each other looks when we cry. He then said, "I'm willing to try everything I can to make things work."
So we're good now, and I'm happy. But deep down inside I feel guilty. I don't know why, but I do. We haven't talked about anything as serious as marriage or anything, but after that whole ordeal I can't help but think about it. Don' worry though, I know I'm not anywhere near close to making a major life decision like that! I don't want to worry about getting married for a long time! But I know that I wouldn't be opposed to marrying him. He's very nice, mature, and such a gentleman. Plus he's attractive, funny, and very enjoyable to be around. And Christian...
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know...