Girlfriend Resume

Education

The School Of Life, Planet Earth (1992 - present)
Masters in Human Functioning with an emphasis is Sarcasm

• Practical skills in how to communicate and interact with other humans
• Rudimentary knowledge on courtship, dating, romance, and how to Human

Southern Utah University, Cedar City, Utah (2010 - 2014)

BFA in Musical Theatre

• Skills in acting, singing, and dancing
• Ability to entertain other humans
• I am a goofball

Davis High School, Kaysville, Utah (2007-2010)

Class of 2010

• I graduated High School and therefore have my life together

Romantic Experience

First Boyfriend, aka Guillermo

Young, Desperate, and Naive (2008 - 2010)

• Acquired basic skills in dating
• Gained experience in managing arguments
• Brought on a new respect for myself

Second Boyfriend, aka Batman

Still learning (2010 - 2011)

• Gained more experience in dating and romance
• Obtained a knowledge on dating outside of the LDS religion
• Acquired moderate listening skills with a specialization in grown-up issues
• Learned a valuable lesson in dealing with ex-boyfriends

The Two Week Relationship, aka The Childish Adult

Confused and Bored (2011)

• Acquired skills in taking care of children (and adults who act like children)
• Strengthened my desire for a real man
• Gained a new sense of playfulness in dating and romance

The Fling, aka The Older Man

Wild and Stupid (2012)

• Leveled up in dating boldness
• Learned the importance of fun and the value of consequences

Third Boyfriend, aka Jrshdfr

Older and Wiser (2013-2014)

• Gained experience in cooking for men
• Obtained an understanding of truly loving someone else
• Acquired an understanding of how it feels to not be loved in the way I deserve
• Learned the importance of dating someone with my same values

The Last Boyfriend, aka The RM

Excited to start something real (2014)

• Learned that nobody is perfect
• Gained experience in decrypting what men actually mean when they refuse to say what they want or need
• Realized that it is possible to love again after suffering a broken heart

Special Skills, Personal Achievements, and Interests

• Very good with children, and children with disabilities
• Incredibly fun person with skills in spontaneity
• Gorgeous
• Good kisser
• Outdoorswoman: activities include hiking, canoeing, river rafting, rock climbing, and camping
• Fluent in sarcasm, sass, and Syd the Sloth
• Skilled in baking, cooking, and basically following the recipe
• Beautiful
• Knowledge in how to human
• I am awkward, and I enjoy it
• Self diagnosed geek, need proof?
• Marvel Superheros
• DC Villains
• The Legend of Zelda
• D&D
• Avatar the Last Airbender
• HP? Always!
• Skyrim
• Pokemon
• John Green and DFTBA
• Miyazaki
• Stunning
• I can play the ukulele and sing, also the piano is a thing I can do
• Bo staff skills, nunchuck skills, computer hacking skills
• Avid quoter of movies, tv shows, and random obscure youtube videos
• Skills in cutting sandwiches into adorable shapes (kids love this)
• Occasional morbid sense of humor
• Capable of driving a manual car
• Very attractive and very humble about it

References

Frank Gasparro, Good friend

"It's a good thing you're pretty!" (said every time I do something awkward or strange)

McKenna Horman, Best friend

"I'll be your boyfriend."

Dorothy Dayton, Mother

"You're special... ed."

Video Blog

I've decided to start doing video blogs (or vlogs.)  Why, you may ask?

Reason #1:  John Green does them.

There is no need for any more reasons.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-4sGNhskJo

GO WATCH IT!!!

... please...

Step-by-Step How To Get a Boyfriend

Step 1: locate boy that you desire to be yours.

Step 2: never talk to boy.

Step 3: stalk boy in every way possible.

Step 4: pretend you just happened to be in the area when boy catches you following him.

Step 5: ignore the restraining order and continue to stalk boy.

Step 6: leave adorable presents on his doorstep that can possibly be mistaken as death threats.

Step 7: finally see him and profess your love for him in a public setting.

Step 8: write him every day from jail.

Step 9: think of him throughout the shock therapy.

Step 10: ignore the doctors who tell you that he isn't real.

Step 11: cry when he doesn't come visit you.

Step 12: physically hurt everyone who tells you that you're crazy.

Step 13: make a miraculous recovery after 5 years of intense rehab.

Step 14: locate boy and explain to him that you were lying to the doctors when you told them that you understood that he wasn't real.

Step 15: ditch your probation officer and move to Paris to live with said boy.

Step 16: marry said boy in a small ceremony in your shared apartment.

Step 17: live happily ever after.

Dear man who commented on my high-waisted jeans,

Wow. 

Just wow.

First off, it's a good thing I didn't wake up and get dressed with the sole purpose of pleasing you, because I obviously would have failed in that attempt.  I'm very grateful that girls don't choose their clothing based on what they think guys like you will enjoy.  If girls started to dress solely to impress you then strip clubs would start going out of business.  Instead all the misogynistic pigs like you could just sit on street corners and goggle at us as we walked by.  So I'd like to take a moment and thank all the women of this world for not putting strip clubs out of business.

Second, if you're going to talk about a girl who is only ten feet away from you maybe you should learn how to whisper.  It's a really great skill to have and I'm sure if you look on youtube you could find some tutorials that would help you out.  That way this girl won't accidentally hear what you are saying about her and shake up your already opened 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew when you leave your cart unattended.  Also, why was that open?  Could you really not wait ten minutes to start drinking it?

Thirdly, no.  As a matter of fact I do not secretly weigh 250 lbs.  If I could somehow manage to hide an extra 132 lbs. of fat in these jeans then you can be gosh darned sure that I am going to keep them and wear them every day because they have got to be some freaking magical pants!  So therefore your argument in null and void, because with the way you were checking me out I'm sure you'd rather see a 118 lb. girl in high-waisted jeans than a 250 lb. girl in anything else.

Last of all, you look like a half orc who took a nasty cheese grater to the face.  So maybe instead of insulting pretty girls with your semi-better-looking brother you should join a gym and invest in some decent acne wash.  Then maybe you might be able to get a girlfriend and spend your time making out instead of wandering around Walmart with your little brother.

Also, flip flops? Really?  You do realize that your feet are disgusting, right?  Sorry, I guess I just assumed that anyone with large grossly hairy feet like yours would know not to display them in public.  But I guess we learned with your failed attempt at whispering that you don't have that many brain cells.

Love, the super sexy girl you wish you could get but can't because your social skills suck.

Homestar Runner

Remember Homestar Runner? 

Seriously this guy was AWESOME!!!  Homestarrunner.com was a gem, and if you have never been on that website then you should immediately stop reading this blog post and go there!

Strong Bad Emails and Teen Girl Squad were probably the two best things about that website.  I used to spend hours watching those videos!  That was back before youtube was really a thing... man that was forever ago!  I feel old thinking about it.

The only reason I even bring this up is because I realize I quote this website all the time and no one seems to get it.  I used to tease my sister ever time she would tell me about one of her crushes with "I have a crush on every boy!"  I eventually had to show her the first episode of Teen Girl Squad for her to get it.  And I can't even count the times I've said "I look SOOO GOOD!!" and everyone just stares at me like I'm insane.  Also there have been many times when I've felt the need to tell a guy they look so makey-outy tonight but then I realize that it probably wouldn't go over too well.

Other quotes I sometimes say that people don't understand:

"Corn is no place for a mighty warrior!"

"Arrow'd!"

"She's my friend. But not my best."

"Voodoo? Is it voodoo? VOODOO!"

"Sooo do you like cloth?"

"Listen up I'll be at a place until a time, my cell phone number is some numbers, they baby needs some stuff, what's poison control, punch Tompkins in the gut, good luck!"

"Ow my skin!"

"Yes... washing... them... ever... -ryday"

"All this time I was looking around and you weren't right there in front of me, and then I realized when I was looking around you were right there in front of me, all this time."

"Um, what is this... "dress" you speak of? ... Is it food?"

"I gut you like sheep."

"I said come on fhqwhgads, I say come on fhqwhgads, everybody to the limit, everybody to the limit, everybody come on fhqwhgads!"

"DELETED!"

Anyway, I just wanted to remind everyone of the wonderful Homestar Runner.  

"IT'S OVER!"

Dear Ordain Women,

Facebook has been blowing up with news about this whole Ordain Women movement for the past couple of days so I finally decided to look into what this is.  I was pleased to find a very amusing website, ordainwomen.org.  Now this is the point in my post that I must warn any supporters of Ordain Women, or any feminists, to leave immediately!  If you don't stop reading now I cannot be held responsible for your offended feelings.  You have been warned!

Anyway, I find this Ordain Women movement incredibly funny!  I literally laughed out loud when I was reading their mission statement.  Now I don't claim to be an expert in the Mormon church, but I will say I know enough to have an opinion on this matter, and my opinion is that y'all are being stupid!  (Yes, I just used the word y'all, get over it!)

WOMEN BIRTH CHILDREN!!  Yes, I understand that you Ordain Women argue that fatherhood is just as equal to motherhood.  You say that "Priesthood power is separate and distinct from parenthood and gender."  But that is complete and utter horse crap!  Yes, fatherhood and motherhood are equal, but the actual ability to shove a child out of your nether regions is not!

My dears you are fighting a losing battle.  Asking to be ordained into the priesthood is just like asking God if your husband could be the one to birth your next child.  Men and Women have different but distinct roles in the LDS Church, and it just so happens that our specific role as women is to have babies.  As more children are born into this gospel the more we grow as a church; so clearly our role of making babies is INCREDIBLY important!  And come on ladies, can't we give our men something special?  Let them have the priesthood and leave us to the baby birthing (seriously, just imagine how unimportant the men in our lives feel when we take 9 precious months of our lives to create and nurture something so sacred to our heavenly father!  I mean sure the men help out by giving you foot rubs, or going to the grocery store to buy oranges to squeeze you fresh orange juice at three in the morning, but it's our bodies that take the physical toll.  Let the men have some sort of importance in the church, because without us women there is no church!)

Now I know that the Ordain Women will most likely have a counter argument to my opinion, but honestly I could care less what that argument will be.  My opinion is my opinion and no matter what they may say that opinion is not going to change, and I'm sure that they are thinking the exact same thing towards my argument.  Nothing I say will change their desire to be priesthood holders, and that isn't what this post is about, I am simply writing down my opinion on the matter.  Plus, it was a hoot writing some of these sentences!

Now y'all have a good day, make good choices, remember who you are, and all that great stuff!

Tips For Me, From Me

1. Be willing to change
2. Accept responsibility
3. Do more Yoga!
4. Stock up on chap stick
5. Shop at thrift stores more
6. Hang out with the girls more
7. Dollar stores are a wonderful place (but not for toilet paper!)
8. Eat more breakfast 
9. Call mom when you need help
10. Never buy name brands, go to Ross and Marshalls instead!
11. Always try clothes on before you buy them
12. Drink more water! In fact buy a water bottle to keep on you at all times.
13. Get a microwavable heat pad!
14. Exercise when stressed
15. Find a scent you love and stick with that scent
16. Take more bubble baths!
17. Read more books! In fact make a list of books to read!
18. Get your beauty sleep
19. Remember that pancakes always taste better with chocolate chips in them
20. Buy some free weights and use them
21. Buy more whole grain bread; if you can't remember you actually LOVE that stuff, especially as toast!
22. Start putting your keys in the same place so you stop loosing them
23. Just be healthy
24. Establish a laundry routine
25. You're in the habit of waking up early, don't lose that!
26. Act like you know what you're doing, even if you're not sure (but PLEASE do ask for help if you need it)
27. Buy big carrots instead of baby carrots, they taste better
28. Eat slower
29. Read more classics, unless they're boring, because reading a boring book is NEVER worth it!
30. Create a morning routine
31. Be present (even when doing mundane things like showering and eating)
32. Believe in your dreams
33. Go through your closet and donate anything you don't wear 
34. Travel whenever possible
35. Do more volunteer work
36. Revamp your bucket list and start working on completing it
37. Blog and Journal more
38. "Unplug" more often
39. Be honest with yourself
40. Cut down on the soda
41. Stop being afraid to take the risk
42. Live in the moment (Forever is composed of nows!)
43. Take advantage of when the sun is out
44. Become a social BAMF!
45. Whenever you feel down dress up
46. Good posture is a must
47. Walk like the confident person you are

The Love Inside

I throw to the wind what we cannot see:

The thoughts and feelings of you and me.

Physical tokens I may throw away

But the feelings I must keep at bay.

For now I will strive to hide

The love I must keep inside.

The memory of our first kiss,

Your hand in mine; absolute bliss!

Your arms, so strong and sure,

Keeping me warm, safe and secure.

Hoping someday to be your bride,

Expressing the love I have inside.

Knowing I can't see your face,

And remembering our last embrace,

Trying to suppress thoughts of you

As day by day I carry through.

Attempting to set aside

The love I still have inside.

Hoping that we weren't a waste

And that my love was not misplaced.

Getting through each day by faking

That my heart isn't really breaking.

Knowing we've been put aside

Along with the love I keep inside.

My Embarrassing Moments:

I recently began a public humiliation of my friend Ian by using this adorable picture of him from his most awkward years:

No, I do not feel bad about this, because it's all purely friendly.  But just in case I felt as if I should bequeath unto him some embarrassing things about me to make it fair.

#1:  I still sleep with a stuffed animal.

See that stuffed Simba I'm clutching in this picture?  Yeah. . .  Not only do I still sleep with it but once upon a time I had an ex boyfriend who stole that stuffed animal from me.  And I cried.  A lot.  And no, it wasn't because of our broken relationship, I cried because I didn't have my Simba anymore.  It was pathetic.  And this happened in college!  No I wasn't some 15 year old sap.  I was 18 and living on my own.

I was so broken up over the loss of my stuffed Simba that my mom scoured the Internet until she found an exact replica of my old Simba, which she immediately bought to sooth my pain.  I eventually got my old Simba back, and it was such an amazing day that I even remember the date!  July 2nd 2011!  See!  I was so pathetically broken up over loosing this stuffed animal that I remember the exact date I was reunited with it.

#2:  This.

I don't even know what is happening in this picture.  All I know is that I have long, straight hair and my face looks like that...

#3:  Also this.

I have no words for this one. . .

#4:  I am a huge cry baby.  I'm so bad that I cry EVERY time I go to the dentist.  And once it was even caught on camera.

I was also about to get a shot, so I feel as if I deserved to cry!  Shots in the mouth are the absolute worst!

#5:  Once upon a time I was in the musical Grease.  And there was an odd number of girls to guys and since I was terrible at making friends back then I didn't have anyone to learn the partner dance with during the prom scene.  Therefore when performance time rolled around they made me the punch server during that scene.  And the entire scene I was so bored I ended up talking to a cup.

There I am on the right with the aforementioned cup.

#6:  Sometimes I go out in public in the most ridiculous outfits imaginable.

#7:  I wear a snorkel whenever I chop onions.

#8:  When I was in my first year of high school my friends thought I was really cool.  So when we thought about who was going to get married first they thought I was going to be the first one to get hitched (behind our OLDER friend Sharlene, of course.)  So we made a list of the order we thought we'd get married in.

Then after a couple years we all were out to lunch together and decided to remake the list.  By that time my friends had realized how incredibly awkward I was and decided I definitely shouldn't be first anymore.  So they moved me to the very bottom of the list.  They even debated about taking me off the list completely because I'd probably never find a guy who could deal with me (all in friendly joking of course... at least I think it was friendly joking...)


And now for my most embarrassing moments of all time:

To preface this I must tell you that I have very poor bladder control.  It's due to this medical condition I have called 'Bladder and Kidney Reflux.'  And yes, it is a real thing!  (I think the more medically acclaimed term is Vesicoureteral Reflux.)

Anyway, because of this condition I have poor bladder control.  And due to this lack of control there have been instances where I have peed myself in public.

Once upon a time I was on a cruise with my entire Dayton side of the extended family.  On this said cruise we had a very fancy dinner one night, and to go to this very fancy dinner we all wore very fancy clothing.  I wore a very pretty black and white cocktail dress.

So here I am at said fancy dinner in said fancy dress when my two immature cousins begin a competition to see who can be funnier using me as the judge.  The point of the competition was to see if either of them could get water to come out my nose (because that tends to happen a lot apparently.)  So they start telling jokes and acting stupid, and I realize I need to pee.  Now I'm quite a ways away from the nearest bathroom and to get to this bathroom I'd have to walk through a MASSIVE crowd of people waiting to be seated for their respective fancy dinners.  So I decide I'll just hold it until we are all done with dinner.

And to that grand idea my bladder said NO!  So the next funny thing that was said instead of water coming out my nose, I am peeing in my very fancy dress.  So I bolt to the nearest bathroom, go to my room to change, and don't eat dinner that night.

A couple years later I have graduated high school and am now in my freshman year of college.  I've made a great group of friends who have me literally rolling around laughing almost every day.  The dorm I was living in at the time had shared bathrooms for each floor, and my bathroom happened to be diagonally to the left from my room.  So it got to the point where I habitually went diagonally to the left whenever I was walking to the restroom.

One day I was in my friends room who lived exactly to the right of me and we were cracking jokes and having a good time when suddenly I need to pee.  And this is not the kind of pee that I can hold.  I have to go NOW!  So I quickly exit the room with my friends following me and go diagonally to the left straight into the room that is across the hall from my actual room.  When I realized my mistake I immediately shut their door and dissolved onto the hall floor laughing my guts out, where I then began to pee my pants in front of my friends.

And now we move to my most embarrassing moment of all time:  Last semester I got a really bad bladder infection.  So after my classes I went to the Instacare before work so I could get some medicine prescribed to me.  When I got there it was pretty busy so I called my boss to let him know I might be a little late.  After a while I eventually got in to see a doctor who told me that I probably had an infection (no duh!) and then proceeded to poke and prod me and eventually had me pee into a cup (which, by the way, I am really good at now due to the numerous times I have had to do it over the years.)  After the official results he prescribed me some medication and I went out to my car to quickly pick up the medicine on my way to work.

When I got to my car I realized that I had locked my keys inside.  I was already feeling miserable due to my bladder feeling as if it was on fire, but this was just the yucky icing on the carrot cake!  So I called my best friend to see if she could come pick me up.  Luckily she wasn't busy so she came and got me and then took me to Smiths and then work.

At work I was stuck with a bunch of odd jobs that day so I had to continually check in with my boss about what I needed to do next.  And unfortunately when I have a bladder infection my bladder control is even worse than normal.  So there I am in my bosses office asking him what I need to do next.  He begins a long explanation about how to get spider-webs off the sides of the building when suddenly I am peeing my pants with no warning.  I immediately run out of his office and into the bathroom.

Eventually I worked up the courage to exit the bathroom and return to my bosses office.  He politely asked me if I needed to go home, and I graciously left.  But I still had no car.  So I then proceeded to walk from the Administration building, all the way across campus, and back to my house, which was a very uncomfortable walk due to the circumstances.  So what do I do on this walk?  I call my mother and immediately begin relaying what just happened through my sobbing.  When I finally got home I was surprised to find that my best friend wasn't home, so I took a shower.

When I got out my best friend still wasn't home so I crawled into bed and tried to drown my shame in Netflix.  My best friend and my boyfriend are both really good friends with each other, and I had been talking to them both throughout the day about how miserable I had been feeling.  Later that night they both came into my room with ice cream and my keys.  As soon as I saw that they had managed to get my keys out and that they had also brought me ice cream I dissolved into tears.  So not only did I pee my pants in front of my boss that night I also cried in front of my two best friends!  And that is my most embarrassing moment thus far in my life.

My Sad Sedentary Life

Once upon a time I used to be fun.  I was someone who was constantly looking for fun activities to do with my friends!  Now all I do is watch Netflix and take naps, which can't even constitute as an activity.  Those are passivities at best.  Basically I have become a slug, a very boring slug.  For all those of you who know me now it may be hard for you to believe that I was once a very fun person, so I shall give you proof:

I play laser tag!  Look!!!!!! ^^^^^^^ see me!!!! Not only do I play laser tag, but I win.  At least every time I play with Kenna and Adam I win.... which might not be saying much.

I also used to be so fun that I got a picture holding a snake with a Johnny Depp look-a-like!

Is it weird that I was more excited to hold the snake in this picture than stand next to the Johnny Depp fake?  I love snakes.  Which I deem as fun (even though most people I know are scared of snakes and do not think they are fun.)

More proof that Amanda is fun:

I still play with Hot Wheels!  Yes, this could also be seen as childish instead of fun, but compared to the aforementioned sluggish Amanda, this childish Amanda is fun!

I sometimes make armor out of cardboard, and then wear it in public.  Also childish.  BUT FUN!

When I get bored I occasionally make finger painting masterpieces!

I make stupid faces in pictures when all my friends are smiling and look gorgeous.

I have handstand competitions!  I never win, but I at least participate.

I used to be so cool that I could explain my love life by drawing with chocolate sauce on a napkin... needless to say there was an octagon of love at that time in my life.

I sometimes pretend to be such an angst encumbered teen that my mom puts me in... whatever this thing is.  Honestly I don't remember what it was.  But I think I remember something about an insane asylum, and this was a patients bed.  Or I might be making that all up.  But, hey!  Having an imagination is fun!

I drank out of a re-purposed toilet fountain!  That's fun, right?

I was once so fun that I took a bunch of twelve year old's cliff jumping!

I shot guns!

Got stuck in dryers!

Played "Are you there?" (for those of you who don't know:  "Are you there?" is a game where you roll up two newspapers with duct tape, give those weapons to two people, blindfold those people, and watch them wallop on each other.  I got many a good bruises and goose eggs from that game!  Whether it was from actually getting hit, or diving head on into a fireplace corner.)

I was once so fun that I found the secret entrance to Narnia through a bush in St. George!

And to top it all off, I eat with my face.  Wait, technically everyone eats with their face because your mouth is part of your face.  What I mean is I eat without my arms.

The point of this blog is to point out that I have become a sad sedentary college student, and that must change.  So please, dear friends, next time you're planning on doing something fun INVITE ME!