I recently began a public humiliation of my friend Ian by using this adorable picture of him from his most awkward years:
No, I do not feel bad about this, because it's all purely friendly. But just in case I felt as if I should bequeath unto him some embarrassing things about me to make it fair.
#1: I still sleep with a stuffed animal.
See that stuffed Simba I'm clutching in this picture? Yeah. . . Not only do I still sleep with it but once upon a time I had an ex boyfriend who stole that stuffed animal from me. And I cried. A lot. And no, it wasn't because of our broken relationship, I cried because I didn't have my Simba anymore. It was pathetic. And this happened in college! No I wasn't some 15 year old sap. I was 18 and living on my own.
I was so broken up over the loss of my stuffed Simba that my mom scoured the Internet until she found an exact replica of my old Simba, which she immediately bought to sooth my pain. I eventually got my old Simba back, and it was such an amazing day that I even remember the date! July 2nd 2011! See! I was so pathetically broken up over loosing this stuffed animal that I remember the exact date I was reunited with it.
I don't even know what is happening in this picture. All I know is that I have long, straight hair and my face looks like that...
#3: Also this.
I have no words for this one. . .
#4: I am a huge cry baby. I'm so bad that I cry EVERY time I go to the dentist. And once it was even caught on camera.
I was also about to get a shot, so I feel as if I deserved to cry! Shots in the mouth are the absolute worst!
#5: Once upon a time I was in the musical Grease. And there was an odd number of girls to guys and since I was terrible at making friends back then I didn't have anyone to learn the partner dance with during the prom scene. Therefore when performance time rolled around they made me the punch server during that scene. And the entire scene I was so bored I ended up talking to a cup.
There I am on the right with the aforementioned cup.
#6: Sometimes I go out in public in the most ridiculous outfits imaginable.
#7: I wear a snorkel whenever I chop onions.
#8: When I was in my first year of high school my friends thought I was really cool. So when we thought about who was going to get married first they thought I was going to be the first one to get hitched (behind our OLDER friend Sharlene, of course.) So we made a list of the order we thought we'd get married in.
Then after a couple years we all were out to lunch together and decided to remake the list. By that time my friends had realized how incredibly awkward I was and decided I definitely shouldn't be first anymore. So they moved me to the very bottom of the list. They even debated about taking me off the list completely because I'd probably never find a guy who could deal with me (all in friendly joking of course... at least I think it was friendly joking...)
And now for my most embarrassing moments of all time:
To preface this I must tell you that I have very poor bladder control. It's due to this medical condition I have called 'Bladder and Kidney Reflux.' And yes, it is a real thing! (I think the more medically acclaimed term is Vesicoureteral Reflux.)
Anyway, because of this condition I have poor bladder control. And due to this lack of control there have been instances where I have peed myself in public.
Once upon a time I was on a cruise with my entire Dayton side of the extended family. On this said cruise we had a very fancy dinner one night, and to go to this very fancy dinner we all wore very fancy clothing. I wore a very pretty black and white cocktail dress.
So here I am at said fancy dinner in said fancy dress when my two immature cousins begin a competition to see who can be funnier using me as the judge. The point of the competition was to see if either of them could get water to come out my nose (because that tends to happen a lot apparently.) So they start telling jokes and acting stupid, and I realize I need to pee. Now I'm quite a ways away from the nearest bathroom and to get to this bathroom I'd have to walk through a MASSIVE crowd of people waiting to be seated for their respective fancy dinners. So I decide I'll just hold it until we are all done with dinner.
And to that grand idea my bladder said NO! So the next funny thing that was said instead of water coming out my nose, I am peeing in my very fancy dress. So I bolt to the nearest bathroom, go to my room to change, and don't eat dinner that night.
A couple years later I have graduated high school and am now in my freshman year of college. I've made a great group of friends who have me literally rolling around laughing almost every day. The dorm I was living in at the time had shared bathrooms for each floor, and my bathroom happened to be diagonally to the left from my room. So it got to the point where I habitually went diagonally to the left whenever I was walking to the restroom.
One day I was in my friends room who lived exactly to the right of me and we were cracking jokes and having a good time when suddenly I need to pee. And this is not the kind of pee that I can hold. I have to go NOW! So I quickly exit the room with my friends following me and go diagonally to the left straight into the room that is across the hall from my actual room. When I realized my mistake I immediately shut their door and dissolved onto the hall floor laughing my guts out, where I then began to pee my pants in front of my friends.
And now we move to my most embarrassing moment of all time: Last semester I got a really bad bladder infection. So after my classes I went to the Instacare before work so I could get some medicine prescribed to me. When I got there it was pretty busy so I called my boss to let him know I might be a little late. After a while I eventually got in to see a doctor who told me that I probably had an infection (no duh!) and then proceeded to poke and prod me and eventually had me pee into a cup (which, by the way, I am really good at now due to the numerous times I have had to do it over the years.) After the official results he prescribed me some medication and I went out to my car to quickly pick up the medicine on my way to work.
When I got to my car I realized that I had locked my keys inside. I was already feeling miserable due to my bladder feeling as if it was on fire, but this was just the yucky icing on the carrot cake! So I called my best friend to see if she could come pick me up. Luckily she wasn't busy so she came and got me and then took me to Smiths and then work.
At work I was stuck with a bunch of odd jobs that day so I had to continually check in with my boss about what I needed to do next. And unfortunately when I have a bladder infection my bladder control is even worse than normal. So there I am in my bosses office asking him what I need to do next. He begins a long explanation about how to get spider-webs off the sides of the building when suddenly I am peeing my pants with no warning. I immediately run out of his office and into the bathroom.
Eventually I worked up the courage to exit the bathroom and return to my bosses office. He politely asked me if I needed to go home, and I graciously left. But I still had no car. So I then proceeded to walk from the Administration building, all the way across campus, and back to my house, which was a very uncomfortable walk due to the circumstances. So what do I do on this walk? I call my mother and immediately begin relaying what just happened through my sobbing. When I finally got home I was surprised to find that my best friend wasn't home, so I took a shower.
When I got out my best friend still wasn't home so I crawled into bed and tried to drown my shame in Netflix. My best friend and my boyfriend are both really good friends with each other, and I had been talking to them both throughout the day about how miserable I had been feeling. Later that night they both came into my room with ice cream and my keys. As soon as I saw that they had managed to get my keys out and that they had also brought me ice cream I dissolved into tears. So not only did I pee my pants in front of my boss that night I also cried in front of my two best friends! And that is my most embarrassing moment thus far in my life.