Favorite Quote

I'm not saying that everything is survivable, just that everything except the last thing is.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Nobody Reads My Blog

Today as I was aimlessly scrolling through facebook and I noticed that a lot of people have started posting links to their blog posts, and it made me realize something.  Nobody actually reads my blog, mostly I just write on here for my sake.  It's usually either for two reasons; One: because I actually have something to write about that's important to me, or Two: because I'm extremely bored and have nothing else to do (usually it's the later.)

This post falls under the category of "I'm not entirely sure..."
Mostly because this post isn't necessarily important for any reason, but I'm also not just writing out of boredom.  I'm writing from a realization: and that realization is that since nobody reads my posts I can either start promoting them on facebook, or I can write secret posts that no one will ever read except for me and the few people who stumble onto this blog.  And frankly I like the later.  (maybe... just maybe I'll even put this on facebook as well so then everybody can be included in this secret.  Because as Mr. Bean always says: secwets, secwets awe no fun, unless thew shawd with evwyone!  Or was it Bruce Lee that said that... Oh no wait!  That was that weird kid in elementary school who talked funny that always got beat up on the playground.)


So for secret post numero uno I will be discussing (pause for dramatic effect)...


Yes, you heard me correctly, Pineapples.  One of the most delicious fruits in the entire universe.  I feel as if the pineapple is the most unappreciated fruit of all the fruits.  My reasons are as follows: obviously the fruit gods got seriously lazy with their naming when they stumbled across the pineapple.  I mean come on!  What kind of a name is 'pineapple?'  They took an already existing name of a fruit i.e. the apple, and then just put the word pine in front of it.  My question is why pine?  There are plenty of other better words they could have put in front of apple e.g. oxygen (we would die without it), wheel (best invention ever), bread (it makes you fat), Chuck Norris (no explanation needed), monkeys (everybody loves them), gas (tehehe), nacho (crunchy salty goodness covered in delectably melted cheese), pillow (the name alone makes me feel relaxed), fries (deep fried potato strips), fire (I'm not a pyro), lying (I'm also not a compulsive liar), beach (the sand and surf and Sasquatches just make for the perfect combination), McDonald's (I'm loving it), bubble wrap (as with Chuck Norris; no explanation needed), duck (... duck, goose...), Play-Doh (definition of nostalgia), bacon (again, no explanation needed), pizza (it's actually called petite-le-za in Italy), tongue (honestly I just like the way it's spelled), pterodactyl (huge fan of the silent t in this word, it's actually pronounced pear-o-das-tile), love (because if it was named the loveapple then it wouldn't be as under appreciated as it is now), pokemon (PIKACHU!!!), chocolate (I repeat: chocolate), Canada (BAHAHAHAHA), or even relief (this is by far the best feeling in the world!  When you royally screw up and you fret over it for hours upon hours and then suddenly and miraculously, as if the true diviner himself looked down upon you and smiled his perfect, white, straight smile then wiggled his ears to make all your problems disappear, you get a phone call, or a textual message, or some sign that everything is going to be alright, now that is the best feeling you will ever feel.

Which makes me think about urination.  Peeing is one of my most absolute favorite things to do.  It's simple, and easy, and relieving.  I enjoy simple and mindless things, and urinating comes absolutely naturally to me.  I understand that for some people it's difficult to learn the art of peeing, I hear about all these different techniques of potty training and what-not, but I have been a professional urinator since birth.  I never needed any training to learn to pee, I just came by it naturally.  I'm gifted like that.  Anyway, as I was saying, I love peeing.  It provides relief and a sense of accomplishment.

And this is becoming a very long parenthetical tangent, so I'm ending it now so we can get back to pineapples.)

Not only was the pineapple cursed with a horrid name, it is also very hard to prepare.  Actually it's quite simple really, but comparitvely it's not.  If a lazy teenager was given the choice between an apple, banana, orange, bunch of grapes, a kiwi, pear, mango, or a pineapple what do you think they would choose?  The correct answer is not the pineapple.  The lazy teen would choose anything BUT the pineapple because he/she is a lazy teenager and the pineapple cannot simply be bitten directly into or easily peeled.  I mean you could try biting into it but that would be an awful experience, and trust me peeling a pineapple is a difficult task.  Therefore it is not chosen to be eaten as often as other fruits.

The other reason that the pineapple isn't eaten enough is because it was given a strange exterior.  This strange exterior sometimes pokes peoples hands in a very uncomfortable way when they try to pick a pineapple up.  This uncomfortable poking can cause aggravation in a potential eater and can cause them to decide not to eat the pineapple because it hurt them and everybody knows you should not partake in something that hurts you (this is a false statement because everybody does not know that, or at least I don't, not fully at least.  I generally partake in things that hurt me.  It's because I am cursed with a big heart that just can't help but love men, and men hurt!  They hurt your heart and then they leave, and then another man comes along claiming he can fix it, but we all know that men are horrible at fixing anything and they just make it worse and hurt your heart even more.  And now this parenthetical tangent is getting to personal so I'm ending it.)  

These are the reasons that I feel the pineapple is being deeply unappreciated for.  It's not the pineapple's fault that it has a bad name, and it's not the pineapples fault that it has an odd exterior, and it's not the pineapple's fault that all the other fruits are simply easier then the pineapple, but there is something very important here!  And it may even be almost like a moral lesson that can be applied to humans (or just me,) and this lesson is that the pineapple is delicious!  Once you finally get to the sweet, yellow, juicy insides of the pineapple it is one of the most tasty fruits of all the fruits.  It's what's on the inside that counts.

And that is all I have to say on the matter of pineapples.


  1. Hmmmmm......my challenge for you is to write something meaningful, something that leaves people better for having read your blog. You write well...so choose good subjects. Peeing? Seriously? Nobody wants to read your feelings about that. And pineapples? Yes, I love them too, but it's not a subject that's going to keep me coming back. If you want people to read your blog, write about something that will make the reader feel glad they took the precious time out of their precious day to stop for a moment to digest your thoughts. You can do better than this.

    Your biggest fan, and sometime critic in a mothering sort of way-

  2. Well I do enjoy your writing and would enjoy hearing your thoughts on serious matters I would somewhat disagree with the above comment. The world needs more blog posts about pineapples.