Every Fear Hides a Wish

I've learned something recently that I want to share with you: I am really good at making lists.  You might say that I'm even a professional list maker.  I'm also a professional stick figure artist, a professional procrastinator, and a professional eater, along with a professional sleeper, although I am not a professional at falling asleep.  I'm just really good at sleeping once I finally fall into that state of relaxation, the falling asleep part is difficult though.


So anyway, I recently made a list of my fears and wanted to blog about them.  There's a quote by David Mamet that says "every fear hides a wish" and I'm attempting to find those wishes that my fears are hiding, but so far I'm getting zilch.  Maybe typing them out in this post will help me find some.


I'm first going to start with my list of irrational fears:


First up is.... wait for it.... HOMELESS PEOPLE!  I'm sorry to whomever this may offend, but I just can't help it.  I understand that lots of people who are homeless have extremely difficult lives and it's not something they can control, but that doesn't change the fact that when I see homeless people on the street I have mini freak outs and have the sudden urge to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.


NO EDGE!  Alright, this may sound completely ridiculous to some of you, but I'm a little scared that one day I'm going to get sucked into space and die.  It's this stupid fear that stems from the fact that there is no edge to the universe which is a really freaky thought, and then the other fact that the universe is constantly expanding.  My question is: EXPANDING INTO WHAT?!?!  So occasionally I think about this and have to clutch onto the nearest something until the feelings of floating away subside.


I'm pretty sure that almost everyone is at least a little creeped out by bugs and spiders.  I am no exception to this, and I'm also a little more extreme than just creeped out by them, I am genuinely given the heebie-jeebies by anything creepy crawly like that.  Alright, confession time, I'm actually a lot worse then I'm letting on to.  I hate bugs and spiders (mostly spiders) they are just gross and creepy and I can't stand them!  I purposely kill every creepy bug that comes across my path with a zeal and macabre that would make any serial killer proud.


Agyrophobia: the fear of crossing the street.  To those of you wondering, no I don't have agyrophobia, BUT I do have a fear of crosswalk timers.  I refuse to still be in the crosswalk when the time runs out.  It's this weird irrational fear that if I'm still in the road when the timer hits 0 and goes to the red hand I will get sucked into some alternate dimension.  I have no idea where it stems from, or what wish this fear might be hiding.

What is it about clowns that make me want to cry?  Here let me tell you:  It is unnatural to be that happy all of the time, so obviously there has to be some freaky sort of mental instability there and eventually they're just going to snap and start eating your flesh.  Second, what's with the face paint?  Obviously they are trying to hide their identity, sketchy?  I think yes!  Third, red is a very angry and violent color, and it also seems to be every clowns favorite color.  Fourth, they wear clothes that are way to large for them.  That just screams mentally insane!  Five, I may or may not have read a book called Nobody Knows about a clown rapist.  Six, the media has not helped with my coulrophobia in anyway!  And no, I have never watched It before, but if I did it would just make my fear so much worse so it's probably good I've never seen it.
Now here is a quick story about my crippling fear of clowns.  I was at Lagoon with a group of friends one year during Frightmares and we were going through one of the haunted houses.  Then suddenly we wandered into a room with a clown theme.  One of the freaky little painted jerks came up behind me and honked his stupid little clown horn in my ear.  I instantly dropped to the floor, curled up in the fetal position, and began having a major panic attack.  I couldn't get up and eventually my friends had to pick up up and carry me out of the haunted house.  It was an embarrassing moment for me.


Not only am I scared of clowns, but I'm afraid of people in full body costumes when it's not Halloween.  And when I say full body costumes I mean complete with masks.  I don't know what it is but I freak out when I can't see people's faces.  You just never know who it could be under there!


I am also afraid of the dark.  It's not necessarily the dark that I'm afraid of, but the freaky monsters and people that my over-active imagination puts in the dark.  My imagination has only grown with time, and now that my brain is a lot more mature then when I was younger I have even more scary thoughts when I'm in the dark.

Another irrational fear I have is going to the dentist.  Yes, the above picture is of me sobbing uncontrollably while in the dentist office.  I don't know what it is about mouth pain, but it is the worst kind of pain that I have ever experienced, and I hate the dentist for it.  So I'm absolutely terrified of going to the dentist.  The end.


So typing these fears out didn't help me find the hidden inner wishes.  Maybe it doesn't work with irrational fears, just real personal fears.  Like my biggest fear that I'm going to be infertile when it comes time for me to start a family.  And the wish that hides behind that fear is my desire to be a mom one day.  Then my fear of being alone hides my wish to be loved by someone important to me.  My fear of failing hides my wish to be successful.  My fear of trusting people hides my wish to have someone that I can confide in... Yeah, I think that proves it.  The quote "every fear hides a wish" only works with personal fears, not irrational fears, which makes sense now that I think about the word irrational that comes before the word fear in the phrase irrational fears... Wow, hello brain.  I missed you!


So there's my list of fears.  Now that I have my brain back to the functioning mode instead of the off mode I think it is a good time for me to end my post before I permanently get stuck in the not thinking part of my brain.