Girlfriend Resume

Education

The School Of Life, Planet Earth (1992 - present)
Masters in Human Functioning with an emphasis is Sarcasm

• Practical skills in how to communicate and interact with other humans
• Rudimentary knowledge on courtship, dating, romance, and how to Human

Southern Utah University, Cedar City, Utah (2010 - 2014)

BFA in Musical Theatre

• Skills in acting, singing, and dancing
• Ability to entertain other humans
• I am a goofball

Davis High School, Kaysville, Utah (2007-2010)

Class of 2010

• I graduated High School and therefore have my life together

Romantic Experience

First Boyfriend, aka Guillermo

Young, Desperate, and Naive (2008 - 2010)

• Acquired basic skills in dating
• Gained experience in managing arguments
• Brought on a new respect for myself

Second Boyfriend, aka Batman

Still learning (2010 - 2011)

• Gained more experience in dating and romance
• Obtained a knowledge on dating outside of the LDS religion
• Acquired moderate listening skills with a specialization in grown-up issues
• Learned a valuable lesson in dealing with ex-boyfriends

The Two Week Relationship, aka The Childish Adult

Confused and Bored (2011)

• Acquired skills in taking care of children (and adults who act like children)
• Strengthened my desire for a real man
• Gained a new sense of playfulness in dating and romance

The Fling, aka The Older Man

Wild and Stupid (2012)

• Leveled up in dating boldness
• Learned the importance of fun and the value of consequences

Third Boyfriend, aka Jrshdfr

Older and Wiser (2013-2014)

• Gained experience in cooking for men
• Obtained an understanding of truly loving someone else
• Acquired an understanding of how it feels to not be loved in the way I deserve
• Learned the importance of dating someone with my same values

The Last Boyfriend, aka The RM

Excited to start something real (2014)

• Learned that nobody is perfect
• Gained experience in decrypting what men actually mean when they refuse to say what they want or need
• Realized that it is possible to love again after suffering a broken heart

Special Skills, Personal Achievements, and Interests

• Very good with children, and children with disabilities
• Incredibly fun person with skills in spontaneity
• Gorgeous
• Good kisser
• Outdoorswoman: activities include hiking, canoeing, river rafting, rock climbing, and camping
• Fluent in sarcasm, sass, and Syd the Sloth
• Skilled in baking, cooking, and basically following the recipe
• Beautiful
• Knowledge in how to human
• I am awkward, and I enjoy it
• Self diagnosed geek, need proof?
• Marvel Superheros
• DC Villains
• The Legend of Zelda
• D&D
• Avatar the Last Airbender
• HP? Always!
• Skyrim
• Pokemon
• John Green and DFTBA
• Miyazaki
• Stunning
• I can play the ukulele and sing, also the piano is a thing I can do
• Bo staff skills, nunchuck skills, computer hacking skills
• Avid quoter of movies, tv shows, and random obscure youtube videos
• Skills in cutting sandwiches into adorable shapes (kids love this)
• Occasional morbid sense of humor
• Capable of driving a manual car
• Very attractive and very humble about it

References

Frank Gasparro, Good friend

"It's a good thing you're pretty!" (said every time I do something awkward or strange)

McKenna Horman, Best friend

"I'll be your boyfriend."

Dorothy Dayton, Mother

"You're special... ed."

Video Blog

I've decided to start doing video blogs (or vlogs.)  Why, you may ask?

Reason #1:  John Green does them.

There is no need for any more reasons.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-4sGNhskJo

GO WATCH IT!!!

... please...

Step-by-Step How To Get a Boyfriend

Step 1: locate boy that you desire to be yours.

Step 2: never talk to boy.

Step 3: stalk boy in every way possible.

Step 4: pretend you just happened to be in the area when boy catches you following him.

Step 5: ignore the restraining order and continue to stalk boy.

Step 6: leave adorable presents on his doorstep that can possibly be mistaken as death threats.

Step 7: finally see him and profess your love for him in a public setting.

Step 8: write him every day from jail.

Step 9: think of him throughout the shock therapy.

Step 10: ignore the doctors who tell you that he isn't real.

Step 11: cry when he doesn't come visit you.

Step 12: physically hurt everyone who tells you that you're crazy.

Step 13: make a miraculous recovery after 5 years of intense rehab.

Step 14: locate boy and explain to him that you were lying to the doctors when you told them that you understood that he wasn't real.

Step 15: ditch your probation officer and move to Paris to live with said boy.

Step 16: marry said boy in a small ceremony in your shared apartment.

Step 17: live happily ever after.

Dear man who commented on my high-waisted jeans,

Wow. 

Just wow.

First off, it's a good thing I didn't wake up and get dressed with the sole purpose of pleasing you, because I obviously would have failed in that attempt.  I'm very grateful that girls don't choose their clothing based on what they think guys like you will enjoy.  If girls started to dress solely to impress you then strip clubs would start going out of business.  Instead all the misogynistic pigs like you could just sit on street corners and goggle at us as we walked by.  So I'd like to take a moment and thank all the women of this world for not putting strip clubs out of business.

Second, if you're going to talk about a girl who is only ten feet away from you maybe you should learn how to whisper.  It's a really great skill to have and I'm sure if you look on youtube you could find some tutorials that would help you out.  That way this girl won't accidentally hear what you are saying about her and shake up your already opened 2 liter bottle of Mountain Dew when you leave your cart unattended.  Also, why was that open?  Could you really not wait ten minutes to start drinking it?

Thirdly, no.  As a matter of fact I do not secretly weigh 250 lbs.  If I could somehow manage to hide an extra 132 lbs. of fat in these jeans then you can be gosh darned sure that I am going to keep them and wear them every day because they have got to be some freaking magical pants!  So therefore your argument in null and void, because with the way you were checking me out I'm sure you'd rather see a 118 lb. girl in high-waisted jeans than a 250 lb. girl in anything else.

Last of all, you look like a half orc who took a nasty cheese grater to the face.  So maybe instead of insulting pretty girls with your semi-better-looking brother you should join a gym and invest in some decent acne wash.  Then maybe you might be able to get a girlfriend and spend your time making out instead of wandering around Walmart with your little brother.

Also, flip flops? Really?  You do realize that your feet are disgusting, right?  Sorry, I guess I just assumed that anyone with large grossly hairy feet like yours would know not to display them in public.  But I guess we learned with your failed attempt at whispering that you don't have that many brain cells.

Love, the super sexy girl you wish you could get but can't because your social skills suck.

Homestar Runner

Remember Homestar Runner? 

Seriously this guy was AWESOME!!!  Homestarrunner.com was a gem, and if you have never been on that website then you should immediately stop reading this blog post and go there!

Strong Bad Emails and Teen Girl Squad were probably the two best things about that website.  I used to spend hours watching those videos!  That was back before youtube was really a thing... man that was forever ago!  I feel old thinking about it.

The only reason I even bring this up is because I realize I quote this website all the time and no one seems to get it.  I used to tease my sister ever time she would tell me about one of her crushes with "I have a crush on every boy!"  I eventually had to show her the first episode of Teen Girl Squad for her to get it.  And I can't even count the times I've said "I look SOOO GOOD!!" and everyone just stares at me like I'm insane.  Also there have been many times when I've felt the need to tell a guy they look so makey-outy tonight but then I realize that it probably wouldn't go over too well.

Other quotes I sometimes say that people don't understand:

"Corn is no place for a mighty warrior!"

"Arrow'd!"

"She's my friend. But not my best."

"Voodoo? Is it voodoo? VOODOO!"

"Sooo do you like cloth?"

"Listen up I'll be at a place until a time, my cell phone number is some numbers, they baby needs some stuff, what's poison control, punch Tompkins in the gut, good luck!"

"Ow my skin!"

"Yes... washing... them... ever... -ryday"

"All this time I was looking around and you weren't right there in front of me, and then I realized when I was looking around you were right there in front of me, all this time."

"Um, what is this... "dress" you speak of? ... Is it food?"

"I gut you like sheep."

"I said come on fhqwhgads, I say come on fhqwhgads, everybody to the limit, everybody to the limit, everybody come on fhqwhgads!"

"DELETED!"

Anyway, I just wanted to remind everyone of the wonderful Homestar Runner.  

"IT'S OVER!"

Dear Ordain Women,

Facebook has been blowing up with news about this whole Ordain Women movement for the past couple of days so I finally decided to look into what this is.  I was pleased to find a very amusing website, ordainwomen.org.  Now this is the point in my post that I must warn any supporters of Ordain Women, or any feminists, to leave immediately!  If you don't stop reading now I cannot be held responsible for your offended feelings.  You have been warned!

Anyway, I find this Ordain Women movement incredibly funny!  I literally laughed out loud when I was reading their mission statement.  Now I don't claim to be an expert in the Mormon church, but I will say I know enough to have an opinion on this matter, and my opinion is that y'all are being stupid!  (Yes, I just used the word y'all, get over it!)

WOMEN BIRTH CHILDREN!!  Yes, I understand that you Ordain Women argue that fatherhood is just as equal to motherhood.  You say that "Priesthood power is separate and distinct from parenthood and gender."  But that is complete and utter horse crap!  Yes, fatherhood and motherhood are equal, but the actual ability to shove a child out of your nether regions is not!

My dears you are fighting a losing battle.  Asking to be ordained into the priesthood is just like asking God if your husband could be the one to birth your next child.  Men and Women have different but distinct roles in the LDS Church, and it just so happens that our specific role as women is to have babies.  As more children are born into this gospel the more we grow as a church; so clearly our role of making babies is INCREDIBLY important!  And come on ladies, can't we give our men something special?  Let them have the priesthood and leave us to the baby birthing (seriously, just imagine how unimportant the men in our lives feel when we take 9 precious months of our lives to create and nurture something so sacred to our heavenly father!  I mean sure the men help out by giving you foot rubs, or going to the grocery store to buy oranges to squeeze you fresh orange juice at three in the morning, but it's our bodies that take the physical toll.  Let the men have some sort of importance in the church, because without us women there is no church!)

Now I know that the Ordain Women will most likely have a counter argument to my opinion, but honestly I could care less what that argument will be.  My opinion is my opinion and no matter what they may say that opinion is not going to change, and I'm sure that they are thinking the exact same thing towards my argument.  Nothing I say will change their desire to be priesthood holders, and that isn't what this post is about, I am simply writing down my opinion on the matter.  Plus, it was a hoot writing some of these sentences!

Now y'all have a good day, make good choices, remember who you are, and all that great stuff!

Tips For Me, From Me

1. Be willing to change
2. Accept responsibility
3. Do more Yoga!
4. Stock up on chap stick
5. Shop at thrift stores more
6. Hang out with the girls more
7. Dollar stores are a wonderful place (but not for toilet paper!)
8. Eat more breakfast 
9. Call mom when you need help
10. Never buy name brands, go to Ross and Marshalls instead!
11. Always try clothes on before you buy them
12. Drink more water! In fact buy a water bottle to keep on you at all times.
13. Get a microwavable heat pad!
14. Exercise when stressed
15. Find a scent you love and stick with that scent
16. Take more bubble baths!
17. Read more books! In fact make a list of books to read!
18. Get your beauty sleep
19. Remember that pancakes always taste better with chocolate chips in them
20. Buy some free weights and use them
21. Buy more whole grain bread; if you can't remember you actually LOVE that stuff, especially as toast!
22. Start putting your keys in the same place so you stop loosing them
23. Just be healthy
24. Establish a laundry routine
25. You're in the habit of waking up early, don't lose that!
26. Act like you know what you're doing, even if you're not sure (but PLEASE do ask for help if you need it)
27. Buy big carrots instead of baby carrots, they taste better
28. Eat slower
29. Read more classics, unless they're boring, because reading a boring book is NEVER worth it!
30. Create a morning routine
31. Be present (even when doing mundane things like showering and eating)
32. Believe in your dreams
33. Go through your closet and donate anything you don't wear 
34. Travel whenever possible
35. Do more volunteer work
36. Revamp your bucket list and start working on completing it
37. Blog and Journal more
38. "Unplug" more often
39. Be honest with yourself
40. Cut down on the soda
41. Stop being afraid to take the risk
42. Live in the moment (Forever is composed of nows!)
43. Take advantage of when the sun is out
44. Become a social BAMF!
45. Whenever you feel down dress up
46. Good posture is a must
47. Walk like the confident person you are